Sent to the market by his uncle to sell their horse and buy thatch for their roof, Jack meets the beautiful Princess Isabelle, whom he rescues from ruffians. He returns home with only a handful of beans given to him by a monk who claimed they were sacred, but that does little to impress his uncle, who tosses them away. In the night, the Princess arrives, having run off to keep herself from marrying Roderick, who is clearly only interested in becoming king. Soon, the beans take root with a giant...

Topper Harley is found working as an odd-job-man in a monastery. The CIA wants him to lead a rescue mission into Iraq, to rescue the last rescue team, who went in to rescue the last rescue team who... who went in to rescue hostages left behind after Desert Storm. The President is Tug Benson, who also likes to be in on the action. Basically, it's a send-up of all the big shoot-em-up Rambo/Robocop/T2/Commando-type movies.

Barney Ross leads the "Expendables", a band of highly skilled mercenaries including knife enthusiast Lee Christmas, martial arts expert Yin Yang, heavy weapons specialist Hale Caesar, demolitionist Toll Road and loose-cannon sniper Gunner Jensen. When the group is commissioned by the mysterious Mr. Church to assassinate the merciless dictator of a small South American island, Barney and Lee head to the remote locale to scout out their opposition. Once there, they meet with local rebel Sandra and...

Fifty seven years after Ellen Ripley survived her disastrous ordeal, her escape vessel is recovered after drifting across the galaxy as she slept in cryogenic stasis. Back on earth, nobody believed her story about the "Aliens" on the planet LV-426. After the "Company" orders the colony on LV-426 to investigate, however, all communication with the colony is lost. The Company enlists Ripley to aid a team of tough, rugged space marines on a rescue mission to the now partially terraformed planet to...